It's the happy heart that breaks.
- Sara Teasdale
The following are excerpts transcripted from handwritten letters written to me by women who shall remain anonymous.
Ken thinks my old boyfriend Joe is still in love with me because we write letters back and forth while he's in the army. He also named his gun after me. I don't think that's so weird.
The girls cry. All the time. But mostly at night. One girl, one of my favorites, her name is Samantha. She's this little black girl with wire frame glasses and braids in her hair. She's the cutest thing in the world. She's fine during the day, but at night she gets really sad and starts to miss her mom. Last night I was in her tent trying to calm her down and she kept saying "I'm sorry to keep bothering you." It was so sweet.
Her big problem is that she isn't sleeping, even though her body is almost dead from tiredness. She told me that at night she is afraid to fall asleep and dream of her mom because she'll get sad. I told her that meant that she really has something good going for her, if she missed her home and her mom so much.
It actually started to make me feel sad, because I don't really miss my mom and my home... I miss hot showers and fiber in my diet and I miss coming and going as I please and of course I can't believe how much I miss you, and Pennsylvania, which surprises the hell out of me.
Last Friday we had a lockdown for about 4 hours. You could leave, but no one could come in or get around the building without our pass key that unlocks doors. Anyway, apparently some employee made some threatening remarks so they had the cops come to do whatever. All pretty secretive... kinda boring, actually.
Ever had your astrology chart read -> Awesome! According to the planets I've got a lot of work to do and it's not all Suzie Home-Maker and a stack of babies. Although the sharks do say hello. I'm taking them to a zombie prom tonight. Come visit!
No scholarships here, but I did get double honor cords and a photocopy of a letter from the President. And then the real thing. I sat in the back row of the graduation ceremony and talked to Zeke and Shelly the whole time. The highlight was when the speaker told us to never be ashamed of our rural upbringing because many great people were raised outside of the city. Included in her list were examples of people like Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Abe Lincoln, Socrates, Galileo, Plato... you get the idea. But her last example was Jesus. It was priceless. I mean, really, who sites Jesus Christ as an example?
Heading towards her house, I noticed what looked like a shimmering castle on the horizon. It just burst up out of the distant trees and I had to blink and ask the others in the car if they saw it too. It looked heavenly, and so out of place on that highway. I'm not trying to draw any deep conclusions but I would like to say that sitting her in the morning light, i'm noticing that your rug is a deep green. Last night I thought it was black.
Oh! The castle. Anyway, as we rounded a bend in the road, the castle became smaller and eventually it disappeared from my sight completely. But while it was there, it was something to marvel at.
What do I want to say with this. Why am I telling this story? I don't want to say that you're the castle, because that would mean that you're going to disappear soon. But you are something to marvel at.
I need to figure out my life. I need to make some serious decisions. I need to get back in therapy. I need to start taking my medicine again. I can't keep playing doctor with my own body and saying "okay, I feel pretty good today, I think I won't take my meds." And I can't keep saying to myself that I don't have time for them. There's always time for mental health. Always. (That was laced with sarcasm.)
A moth is throwing himself against my mosquito netting, doing a fly-by ala Top Gun. No big creature problems this week. At least not for me. Anyway it's their home, not mine. I'm just renting.
I am thinking that if I get around to it tomorrow, I will put dreadlocks in my hair. The only thing stopping me is the idea of cutting them off. Ah well. I've had short hair before.
Hey, send me some options for after camp. I have no clue what to do with my life after August 12th.
Daffodils are blooming here and that makes me happy.
So tomorrow is freakin' Valentines Day. Not like I've gotten anything for V-Day for the past few years anyway- but before I always had hope that he would surprise me with Daisies or something... I mean yeah, it's a stupid holiday, but its at least an excuse to surprise people with something and they won't look at you like you're stupid.
HA! Funny story, about Corey of course. So the first Valentines we were together, he gave me this set of candles. I mean, they weren't spectacular or anything but its always the thought that counts. Until a few days later when I realized that you got the candles when you signed up for a credit card on campus. I never said anything about it, but I realized that the only reason he gave me anything was because it was free and happened to be there...
Oops. Happy B-Day... although I think I have missed it?
Tomorrow I am going record shopping and to this vegan diner with Bunny, who is so incredibly awesome. She and I keep talking about whether or not we want to go back to school. Its really just a momentary musing, and of course I'll go back to school. I'll find some way to make it happen even though my mom wants me to quit.
But right now I would like to think of a time when all this is over. The degree has been achieved. I have the steady job (career, god forbid) and a place that I know I am going to be living in for more than a few months. Don't get me wrong, I'm not yearning for mediocrity. Just simplicity. Sanity. A nice, solid existence. The boy who I can count on. The cat on the foot of my bed. A real bank account. One with money in it and checks in a checkbook. I just want to be five years older and five years wiser.
I just see myself as this giant piece of shit that has made all of these mistakes in just the past 6 years, and it's getting so that I can't fight the urge to get low to the ground anymore.
I'm also caught in this 'horrific' nympho moment. All of these impulses, streaming from my head and I can't seem to calm down my cravings. Yesterday I saw Justin and wanted to say "Hey, Tiger" and hug him. These are crazy times my friend. I'm hoping they're just hormonal. I just finished the greatest period ever! Started Saturday morning as was done by last night. Didn't feel a thing. I've had hiccups that were worse.
I also finished that book I told you about, "A Place To Call Home"- nothing particularly wonderful. Just touching and thought provoking. The girl is always trying to get the boy out of trouble and do the right thing. They're separated for years and suddenly hook back up again. Right before they have sex for the first time he says "Help me go where I belong." The next line is "And I did."
I haven't been doing much in the area of looking for grad schools recently. In some ways I know that I should be and in others I really don't want to. I just want to run around and be transient. I want to find love and go from there. Why is it that I feel completely dysfunctional when I'm not in love and trying to make someone else happy? Why do I feel the need to share my life with someone?
Just feeling incredibly lonely right now. There are people all around me, people that even though I've known them for less than a month, I consider them to be good friends, but suddenly I'm sad. And I see no way out. This is like that letter I wrote to Nicola at the beginning of last semester, but I doubt that I'll mail this one. Why is it that I can be fine, absolutely wonderful, for months at a time, and then, WHAM! All I want to do is die?
That's not a healthy, natural response. I know this. But I'm stranded in the middle of Virginia with no outlet. No one really to talk to because to jump right in and dump everything out. But I kind of feel that I should have been up front with them here. Let them know what they were getting themselves into. I told them about the extent of the problems and I really played everything down. But at the time I told them all of this I was feeling great. I was so happy to be alive. I was so high. you would think I would be able to distinguish my regular ups and downs and to know the difference between momentary and heaven-sent salvation.
I wished I could channel you so you could be the one hitting his whiffle ball pitches. So you could be the one caught in his arms as he tagged you on the way to first. He's not a cuddly "let me show you my affections" kind of guy. You're not really that kind of girl.
The two of you could run all over God's green earth everyday. Then the two of you could have mind blowing sex all night long.
You have amazing chemistry. You have an amazing smile. You have my blessing.
Go get him.
I was listening to one of the tapes you made at my house. It kicks ass!! Missy was over here on Saturday and loved it. She says you could really get famous. Cool, huh? She also said that she loves you to death and she just wants to hug you every time she sees you. We all do!
I got up late this morning and didn't get a shower. That's why I look so damn sexy right now! I'm trying not to eat as much junk food as I used to and I'm dying! I am in desperate need of chocolate.
I found a dress for prom but mom's taking saturday off so I can find what size I am- the dress I'm getting is from Victoria's Secret. KINKY! Then I'm getting a push-up bra so I can rest my chin on them. Yep, then I'll get nice and drunk and knocked up. That's my kind of prom!
I'm in Environmental Science now- we're talking about hard water- are you as excited as I am?
I've been walking thru the halls today, clicking my pen at numerous people saying "Burn in hell." Which is strange because I don't believe in hell. I feel that we create our own after life. People are only energy. Death is just a transfer of that energy to another form. Anything is possible if you believe it.
i think i am going to cut off all of my hair before camp again this summer. i have this picture and the chick looks foxy as fuck, and i honestly think i could pull it off.
Also, it really feels like spring here today. its gorgeous out and i just want to go driving forever.
Your pain upsets me despite our friendship being so new. This may not be mutual, but to me, we are old friends who've just met. I feel a connection with you, like we've met in a past life or something, if I believed in that crap.
hello. i'm not sure who you are or where you're from. but two years ago in the summer i went on a trip to Virginia with a friend of mine. we made a pit stop in Washington D.C. we were looking thru some books in a Barnes and Noble there and a piece of paper fell out.
5 a.m. deep glow
sky grey watery chocolate
tint from dirty sun.
i don't know if it was you that wrote this. but this email address was on it. and i'm not sure if you intended on any one finding it. and i can't even remember what book it fell out of. but i found the paper again while doing laundry the other day. and i wanted you to know that if you wrote this it's beautiful and that you have real talent.
no reply is necessary unless you'd like to. i hope you have a great 2007.
thank you- the girl in the book store.